There is a lot to be stressed out about in the world. You could probably take a moment right now and come up with a half dozen or more things going on in your life or the world around you that cause you stress. I would ask you to do that, but it might raise your stress.
Instead, I’d like to focus on managing stress.
Reducing Stress during Stressful Times
In my practice as a therapist, I hear a lot about stress over things outside people’s control. In the world of psychology, we call this an “external locus of control.” It means that your sense of well-being and control in life is determined by things outside of you. In other words, it means that the weather, time, traffic, and other people control what you think and how you feel.
The solution to this is an “internal locus of control,” where you decide what you think and feel about what life has handed you, and you determine how you respond. It means that when it rains, you decide to read a book by a fireplace. When you’re late, you decide if it was alright to be late this time. When there’s traffic, you choose to adjust your expectations and listen to a podcast. When someone does something to hurt you, you decide how much.
How do you make the switch from an external to an internal locus of control?
Lowering Stress By Shifting Your Focus
As one of my undergraduate professors used to say, “Awareness is curative.” The first step is becoming aware that this is what you’re doing. You can do this right away by simply paying attention to what you’re saying in your head about the events that happen in your life. Write them down if it’s helpful so you can look at them closer later. If they sound like “this is happening to me” or “that is causing my feelings and reactions,” you probably have an external locus of control.
Managing Stress By Changing Your Thoughts
Next, decide how you want to think, feel, and respond to these situations. Try to be realistic and not overly positive. For example, if traffic has you stressed you might decide you want to be calm and not worry how much extra time it’s taking you to get to where you are going. You’ll need to choose what lens you want to look through and the thoughts you can get behind in order to make this happen. You might tell yourself something like, “This is taking longer than I’d like. But I think I’ll use this time to listen to relaxing music or start to let go of my hectic work day.”
Practicing Decresaing Stress
Now just because you decide to think these things and feel these ways doesn’t mean you automatically will. It will take time and practice. Like any new behavior, it will feel forced at first. However, this is how habits are formed. The more you go through these motions and see what happens, the more natural it becomes. You might even begin to make small changes to your thoughts and reactions to make them more doable or believable for yourself.
Once you’ve got a game plan for yourself, start practicing as much as possible and don’t forget to pay attention to the actual results! Many people with anxiety are used to ignoring the positives and focusing on the negatives, so changing this will take effort on your part. Notice how much less tense your shoulders were at the end of your drive or how grateful you were that you didn’t react with anger or impulsivity. Allow yourself to notice the positives to help encourage the behavior and increase your motivation to do it again.
Lowering Stress and Anxiety Over Time
As I said before, this process takes time for you to believe the new positive attitude and to build the habit. Make sure to give yourself plenty of compassion as you make mistakes to avoid backsliding. Instead, realize that like with every change there will be times where you take two steps forward and one step back. You’re aiming for progress not perfection.
How will you know when you’ve achieved an internal locus of control?
When you stop focusing on the destination and allow yourself to engage the journey in front of you, you’ll forget about the destination and it will just happen. It will still take effort, but eventually you will feel the relief and one day remember the goal you were aiming for and realize you’d been hitting it for a while without even thinking about it.
Go out there and give it a try! I know you can do it. How do I know that? Because every person has the ability, simply be being human. It’s all a matter of choosing to take hold of it for yourself.
About the Author
Aaron Potratz is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Board Approved Clinical Supervisor in Oregon. He owns a private group practice, Discover Counseling, and co-owns another private group practice that he supervises, Life Discovery Counseling Services. He has been a therapist since 2007 and specializes in anxiety, trauma, and relationships, and offers online counseling throughout the state of Oregon. Aaron also does consulting for therapists who are starting or growing their private practices.